Teaching is Hard: My First Few Weeks as a Teacher Assistant

For anyone who has followed my blog for the last couple of years, you should know that I have been working toward my main goal of becoming a secondary mathematics teacher (hence the title). However, it wasn't until the beginning of this month that I was able to first get a glimpse of what my future is going to be like, when I stepped foot into a tenth grade geometry classroom with my fellow teacher assistant. 

I told myself that teaching would be hard, that I would learn a lot of lessons, that I would make many mistakes as I first began my journey. Despite what I had told myself, I know now that the me of 2017 was a naive Pollyanna. Somehow, I expected my life to be like a Hallmark movie: I enter the classroom, and suddenly I realize I have this uncanny gift for teaching. The students love me immediately, every lesson I teach is wonderful, and the students develop an incredible passion for math. This may be an exaggeration of any expectations I truly had, but you get the gist: No matter how much I tried to prepare myself for reality, there was no true way I could prepare myself. 

The biggest lesson I've learned in the first few weeks is this: Teaching is one of the hardest things I've ever done. 

To be clear: I absolutely, positively enjoy being in the classroom every day. Regardless of if I'm just sitting in the back grading papers, watching the students try to casually sneak their phone out while my cooperating tea her is lecturing, I get to sit in a classroom, and be a part of the learning process I have so desperately wanted to assist in for years. I'm finally able to take a close look at how students learn, and how each student is different and has different needs. The students are sweet (for the most part), and they enjoy having the extra help and chatting with new people. I have developed some good relationships with other teachers at the school, who have been wonderful and supportive. My coordinating teacher is incredibly flexible and shares all her materials with us, and my fellow teacher assistant is an incredible teammate. 

Despite all this positivity, I must reflect on the aspects that have caused me tears, frustration, sleepless nights, and sudden bouts of exhaustion that I have never before felt. 

High school students are the hardest group of kids to manage. I remember being in high school, and I'm sure I wasn't the most pleasant kid for my teachers to deal with due to my chatty nature, but it never occurred to me that the same drama and immaturity will have the same impact on me as it did on my own teachers.  Teenagers have an incredible gift of pushing your buttons just enough to make you annoyed, and then they like to see how much they can push you until you break. For me, this is incredibly difficult due to my non-assertive nature and, quite frankly, pretty terrible anxiety issues in the face of conflict and failure. (Note: I'm incredibly open about my anxiety, and I would be happy to discuss it further. You can find a more in-depth post about this in my blog!) So, the classroom management portion is incredibly hard for me to wrap my mind around, and I know its going to take a lot of learning on my part before I am able to even be remotely acceptable at managing a classroom. Fortunately, I have an excellent partner and a supportive CT, so I have great avenues for feedback as I continue down this road. 

Secondly, planning a lesson in our classes is SO MUCH DIFFERENT than planning a lesson in an actual classroom. The only time I have actually taught lessons for students was during one hour at a middle school, and to a group of three mentees in my universal design course. All of these were planned in advance, so the students were on their best behavior. However,when you're planning a lesson for your own students, it is impossible to factor in what the students will be like that day. For example: I taught a lesson on Friday, but the stark majority of the kids were disengaged and uninterested, while a large portion of them were moody and even in tears for some unknown reason. Due to a lot of these attitudes and the lack of interest in trying something new, the lesson fell sort of flat, and left me fairly discouraged.

All in all, then, I have found that teaching is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I look forward to learning all I can in the coming months, and I'm incredibly grateful for all of the support I have, both in the classroom and in the college of education. 

To all the teachers I had in high school: I'm so sorry. I now feel your pain. I hope I can learn from you as I reflect back on those experiences to understand my students better, and plan my lessons accordingly.